Instability

A cool sounding word... instability. But what does instability mean?

Main Entry: in·sta·bil·i·ty
Pronunciation: \ˌin(t)-stə-ˈbi-lə-tē\
Function: noun
Date: 15th century
: the quality or state of being unstable ; especially : lack of emotional or mental stability

That's how I feel right now. A lack of emotional and mental stability.

Here's how it's going to work. There's going to be a Rant pt. 1, then a WoW Rant which you may read if you'd like, then Rant pt. 2. If you read all of it, I can proudly say you care about me... and I owe you a favor... no money favors though. I'm a poor college kid.

*WARNING!* *WARNING!* -MAJOR RANT INCOMING!- *WARNING!* *WARNING!*

School is getting worse. Tests every single class, lots of work, project on Wednesday, and no motivation whatsoever on what I want to do. I think about it, and I feel like I'm too... dependent on people for my work and for my success, like I feel very collectivistic. Yet, I tell some people it's better to do it yourself, or solve your own shit, don't ask me for help, yet I can't help but be a hypocrite.

...Maybe Japanese isn't really for me. I love the language and I love the culture, and I can understand much more than I used to, but is it really for me? I feel like I try really hard, much to people's beliefs (yes, you'll laugh, I know you would -_-)
but I'm not getting any progress whatsoever on my work. Like I still don't know some vocabulary from chapters back, and I don't remember some of the symbols from Katakana or even some Hiragana. I feel very inadequate to continue this class, because so far by my grades in Japanese, it's gonna go downhill. I thank those people who try to help me, but really... I don't think I can be saved anymore.

I feel rather bitchy and emo about every single thing in my life. Maybe it's where I am right now? I hate being at home with my parents who nag me about sleeping, and brushing my teeth when I full well know when to do it, then they put me down and say I'm not good enough, or I'm too irresponsible, or anything. I really hate how they raise up a kid. I don't think you're supposed to put someone down and just pretend like it's okay. It's like a family full of bullshit, elusively insulting and not supporting them. They tell me, it's okay, you can talk to us, but it's hard to when they judge you immediately and not listen to you at all.

So I was talking with Jing about how much I'm really struggling and how I can try to fix it. She tells me that it's freshman year, and that I still have alot of ground to cover before I can graduate, but I don't want that small mistake to ruin the rest of my college career. I want to be able to succeed in everything but I can't. And it made me cry. Literally, on the phone with her.

-----WARNING-----WARNING-----WORLD OF WARCRAFT RANT-----WARNING-----WARNING-----

I feel like I'm too slow in leveling my any of my characters. I have alot of fun playing them, yet I feel like I'm too slow. A guy from work tells me to just have fun and take it easy, yet I don't like how slow I'm going, I want to go faster so I can experience everything I can before I get left in the dust. I also want to level up a druid and I think I'm getting there, but with life stuff coming in, I feel like I just wasted buying a new account on Black Friday. But I really want to level it, it's really fun so far, having shitty gear and being almost lvl 20 already. But what am I going to do once that happens? I ALSO WANT MY PRIEST AND PALLY TO BE LVL 80 SO I CAN DO RAIDS WITH THEM! IT'LL BE SO MUCH FUN BUT IT'S GOING SOOOOO SLOOOWWWW...
I WANNA GO FASTER!!!

-----ALERT-----ALERT-----WORLD OF WARCRAFT RANT END. CONTINUING NORMAL RANT-----ALERT-----ALERT


...What can I do to change myself? Like seriously... I feel unappreciated for things I do for people; I don't get a simple thanks from them (key word before you accuse yourself, 'SOME'). I feel like I'm STILL not noticed. I feel like I'm not awesome, or cool at all, because I play a stupid fucking game that I enjoy playing. What? Am I supposed to give up a part of my life that's always been there just to be socially accepted? Jing tells me I am awesome because of what I do, and who I am... but I feel like I'm not much of anything... I really want my haircut, it's getting too long. I need to workout more... yet I hate working out alone. Wish I could change my facial structure so I could be considered cute. I'm definitely not happy with myself and I want to change. Drastically. For the better. But how can I without giving up what I enjoy and like doing...

I really need to stay focused... and I really need more money, but I need to get paid more, or find a new job to work... But I suck at finding jobs I want to work at... because anywhere I WANT to work has a really bad pay. And wherever I hate to work has the best pay available. It's a balancing act... isn't it? I really want to be different from what I am now... I want to have a different aspect of life, I want to be somewhere else new. Toronto, Houston, New York, Hawaii, California, Europe, Japan are a few of the places I would want to visit, be in for a while...

*-*-*-*End Rant*-*-*-*

Now... my question is... what do I want to do eventually... in life?


Tests until mid December... My eyes are seeing double, and I have no glasses on, and sitting in front of the computer screen. It is a mix of tired feeling and tears.

Where do I go from here?

Instability.

Carpe Noctem: Seize the Night

Yes well, it's 3:40 AM Almost! =D

Huzzah! First off, Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! <3 Be full mkay?

Real quick before I head off to bed, because I'm too effin tired from talking to Vrax and Noc -_-;;...

People have so many weird sexual turn-ons. I mean... I thought mine were weird, but holy shit. People are fucking weird sometimes. I mean I think it's something to do with their psychological mindset or w/e but damn. It's really quite interesting. It's something to think about...

Plus, after being told a story and reading stuff, I think I might like something new... =D

Night night.

-Arden

Feeling Better and New Goals

As the header says, I feel alot better about my situation right now. They said that friends are one of the best things a person could have. As I look over to my friends right now, I want to say "Thank you" to all of my friends for making me feel better. =)

Now some inner thoughts as to my existence... You ever feel like no one notices you much? Or when you try to draw some kind of attention to yourself, yet you don't get that attention? It kinda hurt inside you know. I think I've tried to get attention from alot of people recently and nothing really happens. Maybe I'm thinking about getting their attention, and not actually calling out for them. Maybe it's just me. I could just be really weird about it too, but eh. Not really important... I guess.

The Game Room's music is pretty cool sometimes. I really like the mix that they have... even though it's only R&B. I really want to play pool again, even if it's by myself. I want to get better soon, I think it'll be a "normal" hobby. As someone I know says playing video games are unhealthy... -glares at you- You know who you are.

I've come to the realization I suck hard at Japanese. I'm at a fork in the road right now. I can either drop Japanese and never take it again, or continue with the class, working on it hard during the vacation. I want to strive to be better than the people I know. I want to be hardcore at it. I want to be fluent, and be able to speak it clearly, think in Japanese, etc. I can do it. I know I can. I need to study more for the next few tests. I'm going to do it.

I can't help but slack off every single class I'm in. But it will be different next semester. I'll prove them wrong.

I can't think of anything else right now.

I can feel the pulse in my fingertips when I think, it's really cool. It's like a deep... deep... meditation. It's hot.

Fuck my life... Pull the trigger.

Let's start off with good news tonight.

The drama between my friends in Japanese class is over. I'm quite relieved that truths are out, and that things will repair itself slowly over a period of time. I'm quite happy to see our friendship come back together.

Now for the bad news.

I got yelled today for having fun. I got bitched at. I was playing Left 4 Dead with my friends, and I was on mic with them... Apparently I was too loud, and woke up my dad who has to work in the morning. My dad is a nice guy to other people, but he's such a giant ass douche when he's with just us. He constantly gets mad for no reason whatsoever. And like most filipino dads he's quite furious when that happens. And also disrespecting. Well tonight, he, basically in no particular order:

-Got mad at me
-Threatened to kill me
-Chewed me out
-Called me an uncaring bastard
-No-good son who is worthless in life
-Called me useless
-Told me I'm irresponsible

all because I woke him up on accident. Key phrase here! Accident. I didn't MEAN to wake him up. -_- My mom heard him yelling, I was trying to calm him down, apologizing constantly. He doesn't calm down, I swear. He yells and talks way too much continuing to belittle me... I'm so glad I took that communications class, otherwise I'd be yelling instead of rationalizing everything.

After about 10 minutes of one sided arguing, my mom wanted to talk to me. We talked about why he's getting mad recently, why he acts the way he does, and we can't figure it out. Honestly, I think he's just a crazed maniac who doesn't give two shits about the way he treats his family. I mean, he's worthless in our family, even my mom says so. He doesn't fucking make enough money to help support us, and he just wastes his money on clothes and shoes he DOESN'T EVEN FUCKING WEAR.

I don't care if he's my dad. After apologizing, and trying to calm him down, I'm through with this so called "family" idea. Fuck it. If you can't respect me or other people, I can't show any fucking respect at all to you.

If it wasn't for people I actually cared about, I'd post this piece of shit, find a gun, and spread my brains across the floor. This shit isn't worth living for.

Fuck my life... pull the trigger.

P.S. - That's why I play games. To get away from this hell hole I call my life.

P.S.S. - I am going to work towards less emo... Help me... please.

I've been an ass

Ok.. so today was a very good day for me I think since I got a load off my chest and got everything.. well.. almost everything sorted out.

I think I've been an ass lately and didn't really know it. I've inconsiderate and rude to certain people (I wont name them but you know who you are sorry) and I'm really sorry that I've been acting like that lately.

I know I can be a naive idiot sometimes (most of the times according to you) but I'm a person too and I have my own story to sort out. And if you've heard my side of the story (I'm not gonna write that here) the you'd understand alittle why I've been acting so retarded.

I'm not saying that I've acted this way on purpose, or "conveniently" as you might assume, and I really want to say that I'm sorry to everyone that I hang around with because I did not mean to cause this at all intentionally, and that all this negative atmosphere is all my fault.

The negative atmosphere just happened to be created because some realities and feelings clashed (again, I wont say but those that know know) and one the one hand the idiot was being an idiot and was unaware and ignorant and on the other side they mistook that for attitude and meanness.

I'm again very sorry to everyone and if you were mad at me please forgive me and I'll try to do my best this time so hold a long grudge against me because I'm really not that good at that kinda thing.

talk to you guys soon~

Life Thus Far

Oh alright. It sucks. Life sucks in general.

So, alot of shit happened today. Excuse my vulgarity.

*deep breath* Alright, so... I wake up today, finding out it's Tuesday Maintenance on WoW. Tuesday Maintenance means WoW is down for about 5 or 6 hours while it's being hotfixed or being routinely checked. But fuck, it just gets worse.

My internet goes down for about 3 or 4 hours. It was a waste of a day today for me. I couldn't get Xereden at least 69 today or until late tonight, or my priest for instances for that matter.

I also got new glasses today. They're silver Nike brand glasses. Anti-glare, Transitional, and quite light for my face. It's really cool. Thanks mom and dad =)


*puts head down in hands and shakes head* I'm too tired for this shit. Maybe I should get Left 4 Dead to take a break from this crap...


-Peace y'all. Japanese Test tommorow... as if that didn't add more stress.

Dinner

I didn't have any. I don't feel hungry. But it seems relevant to the post I just had this morning so whatever. I felt like blogging again.


I think I'm honestly done (for right now) with females. We had this question thing at the JC about what you find annoying about the opposite sex. I feel like I'm also going to add "too much stress" onto that list. Too many events happening in one week just made pain worse, and worse, and hurt much more. -_-; But I don't blame them. I blame myself...

I thought about it, and I really hate it when I expect too much. Maybe I should expect less so I'm surprised more(in a good way). Positive > Negative.

Some key points this weekend:
- Vrax and Noc are coming home
- Quantum of Solace comes out.
- Northrend is amazing. Astralis
and Xereden are going to be main
priorities.
- Papers due Monday. Two of them.

I hope the weekend doesn't end. For my sanity.

An Obsession with Japanese;;

Hello to those few that read this blog~

I think I may have a problem (a very good problem) because I think I'm really obsessed with Japanese. I can see that when learning a new language obsession at this level can be helpful, but in any case Japanese is a Minor for me and I feel that I'm not spending enough time with studies in my Major.

I feel that when this semester is over and I get an A in Japanese (hopefully ^0^) but receive a B in my government courses I'll be faced with the reality that my major is really an excuse for me to take Japanese (my excuse is that I'm going to work between Korea and Japan).

Sometimes I feel that my enthusiasm is just really going in the wrong direction and that I should spend more time studying government, but as always that seems to be impossible -_-;;

わたしは　いたましいです。　せいじがくを　します。　でも、　にほんごまで　します。　らいねん、わたしは　にほんの　じゅぎょうが　さんご　ありますよ　そひて　せじがくの　じゅぎょの　にご　あります。　にほんごは　マミーナながら、　じゅぎょが　いよーいよ　おおいです。　

I cant even carry on a decent conversation is Japanese which is making me very frustrated, as it took me alot of time to write all that up there which is like 4 sentences.

Arghhhhh this sucks -_-'''' me angry want to kill.... (jusk kidding ^^;;)

Anyways, this is the little dilemma I am having haha its so dumb i know. But since Arden was complaining alot nowadays me wanted to complain about something also.

Thanks ALOT, Arden ㅠㅠ

Breakfast

Breakfast this morning was especially disgusting but had a pleasant ending.

1 Bowl of Cocoa Pebbles
Half a bag of Chinese Soup Crackers
-the ones that you get with your soup
when you go to the restaurant.
Fortune Cookie
Water

Not exactly the most healthiest breakfast, and certainly not the most delicious.

But here's what my fortune said. And it was my pleasant ending for this morning...

"You will learn quickly, never fear." ^_^

Shut-In Status: Part 1

Hello everyone, this will be one of my ways of contact to the outside world. jaykay.

Listening to: Speed of Sound - Coldplay/Fix You - Coldplay/I'm Yours - Jason Mraz

"How long before you decide you know how it feels like...?"

I still have not yet installed WoTLK. I was very excited to, but I haven't yet. I plan on doing so soon, but as of right now, I'm not sure if I want to for a shot at the Collectors. I might just install it today, but I promised a friend I'd level her account for her before she gets her copy. So I might just do that... once I get that information. Hot Pockets are delicious.

So... update on my relationship status. Jing and I are more friends now than anything... It's been going through the deterioration stage as stated in my Communications book. However, I feel that we'll be really good friends. I have been her friend for so long, and the same with her. I feel relieved, I feel less stressed... I feel slightly... fine. *eats more hotpocket*

Nothing has happened yet... Well, besides the fact there there's two papers due Monday, and our Japanese Aural and Oral test as well. Just keep thinking... the semester is almost over... the semester is almost over.

I miss Vraxend and Noctern... "I'm yours".

"Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you".

Until next time.

What do I want to become?

So... personally absorbing powers and using them whenever you feel like it, at the cost of destroying yourself or anyone around you if they get out of control...

I think that'd be an amazing power.

...But that got me to thinking... what do I want to become? I mean I have so many choices on what I want to take as a job, or be as a person, but what do I really want to be? People know their majors already, then I don't. I feel like I'm failing the only classes I'm in... I'm in a depressive rut... I just got out of my 5 or so year relationship, and I'm not sure how school will affect me now...

Those eyes you see are not what they look like now, they're very clouded, and trance like, making the days go longer...

Deep Thoughts about the Election...

Alright, so your MAIN ATTRACTION is back...

(Thanks Isaac and TBP for updating the site while I had nothing to say, keep it up!)

I would like to copy a post from a friend I knew a long time ago, and her post. She currently lives in Seattle, Washington, at least if I remember correctly.

Thanks Dr. Melly Chan!

- I flipped the bird at some people who were holding Dino Rossi and John McCain signs yesterday. Yeah, it was uncalled for and bad sportsmanship. I was feeling bitter. Republicans have come to stand for oppressive religion and taking away rights, Constitional and otherwise. It's a party that seems led by greed, rather than humanitarianism. They deserve nothing but disdain from me.

Now I have some really good friends that are republican, and while I respect their opinions, I really felt that this year had bad reasons written all over the campaign.
I don't want to get deeper into politics, because it's a personal thing. Plus I hate arguing.

- Regardless of who won, the fact that so many people were involved this year made me really happy. The energy was really contagious, and for once people FELT something. I'm sick of the torpor that was consuming the American public.

Yeah, I was surprised too at the fact that SO MANY PEOPLE came out to vote and definitely realized that their vote can make a difference.

- BJ Shea on the radio this morning was talking about how, by electing Obama, we've overcome our slavery roots. While that sounded just a little bit foofoo to me, he then asked what other country can claim that- that definitely struck home. Very true. I can't imagine Chinese people getting over their prejudices any time soon.

Some asian people, and my parents especially my mom, have some prejudice against black people. Why? I don't know. It's really annoying as well.

But definitely after reading that I feel like our country CAN actually say that we've overcome our slavery roots, as it is very important that Obama had been elected president. It's like a shock to the world that anyone can be anything they want to be as long as they work hard. It's really inspiring.


- Someone yesterday called into the Men's Room (radio show I'm absolutely hooked on) and said that African-Americans really need to drop the 'African-'. This is something I'd never thought about before. Unless you are the first or second generation or so, drop it. You're American. Shutup.

American is supposed to be a description that says where your from, not your race or skin color. The whole African- thing while it can be used still, it really shouldn't in my opinion because honestly, if you're from America wether born here or lived here for a majority of your life, you're technically American. Why would you say otherwise? Right?

(Except for Isaac who is a stupid Korean commie =P Just kidding.)

So after the election was over, and Obama was claimed to be president, (keep reading...) I logged onto my Paladin for an instance run on WoW. We invited another person into my instance running group, and he got pissed that Obama won. His reason why is 'A n***a is my president. He is destroying what our forefathers have created for our country!'

What the fuck? Why would you say that? Definitely wrong in my opinion. In the DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE which is what our FOREFATHERS created, it simply states in the beginning of the constitution 'We hold these truths to be self evident, that all men are created equal...' After saying that, he was promptly booted out of the party with a swift kick to the ass. Racism should not exist anymore.

It saddens me though that some people voted McCain because they couldn't imagine Obama leading our country, because he was black. Goes to show you that not everyone is willing to change just yet...

Change is coming... I'm ready. Are you?

Mail!

Ok so... havent posted anything here for a while~ anyways~ I know a friend that lives in Japan, and I told her to send me mail is Japanese so that I could read it and improve my Japanese, and its finally here!!! I could only understand the greetings, and the rest were pretty much gibberish full of weird kanji, but I'm so glad~~~ ^^

I'll get crackin on this awesome project and I hope to finish translating this soon~!