Let's start off with good news tonight.
The drama between my friends in Japanese class is over. I'm quite relieved that truths are out, and that things will repair itself slowly over a period of time. I'm quite happy to see our friendship come back together.
Now for the bad news.
I got yelled today for having fun. I got bitched at. I was playing Left 4 Dead with my friends, and I was on mic with them... Apparently I was too loud, and woke up my dad who has to work in the morning. My dad is a nice guy to other people, but he's such a giant ass douche when he's with just us. He constantly gets mad for no reason whatsoever. And like most filipino dads he's quite furious when that happens. And also disrespecting. Well tonight, he, basically in no particular order:
-Got mad at me
-Threatened to kill me
-Chewed me out
-Called me an uncaring bastard
-No-good son who is worthless in life
-Called me useless
-Told me I'm irresponsible
all because I woke him up on accident. Key phrase here! Accident. I didn't MEAN to wake him up. -_- My mom heard him yelling, I was trying to calm him down, apologizing constantly. He doesn't calm down, I swear. He yells and talks way too much continuing to belittle me... I'm so glad I took that communications class, otherwise I'd be yelling instead of rationalizing everything.
After about 10 minutes of one sided arguing, my mom wanted to talk to me. We talked about why he's getting mad recently, why he acts the way he does, and we can't figure it out. Honestly, I think he's just a crazed maniac who doesn't give two shits about the way he treats his family. I mean, he's worthless in our family, even my mom says so. He doesn't fucking make enough money to help support us, and he just wastes his money on clothes and shoes he DOESN'T EVEN FUCKING WEAR.
I don't care if he's my dad. After apologizing, and trying to calm him down, I'm through with this so called "family" idea. Fuck it. If you can't respect me or other people, I can't show any fucking respect at all to you.
If it wasn't for people I actually cared about, I'd post this piece of shit, find a gun, and spread my brains across the floor. This shit isn't worth living for.
Fuck my life... pull the trigger.
P.S. - That's why I play games. To get away from this hell hole I call my life.
P.S.S. - I am going to work towards less emo... Help me... please.
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3 comments:
ARDEN,
Don't even fucking dare to attempt suicide or I swear I'll kill you before you do. Second, been there countless times with my dad in the past, and I think your dad and my dad are pretty similar in many ways and so I understand you. I want to appluad your maturity in not screaming back and just calmly take whatever he blows at you. I know that life is unfair, but please don't do anything that you'd regret or that would make everyone else devastated. He's still your dad, and as usual, as always in filipino culture, no matter how much of an asshole they are, we still must respect them. Time heals everything. Sooner or later your dad will realize that he will grow old and someone will have to take care of him, and most likely you'll be the one responsible for that. Hopefully both your dad and my dad realize that their irrationality and inconsiderate/ignorant words will come to hunt them if they don't turn it all around and make amends. I wish I could call you but the house is full (literally) of sleeping bodies. I'm reading with a flashlight as we speak. Hope you feel better soon--keep your head up! Love you!
-Lee Anne
omg....i'm really sorry.
honestly i don't know what to say. That really sucks that he overreacts in such a terrible way. Just ignore what he says. your not worthless and all of that stuff. If you were all that stuff he says you are then i wouldn't be so happy to have met you! Your a good friend and I'm happy your here. So don't listen to him and don't do any stupid things. I know it's easier said than done to not listen to him, but just know that he's wrong...
Ok... I hate to say this... but I kinda understand your dad's side, because he has to go to work in the morning and you woke him up by being loud (unintentionally, ofcourse). He just lost his temper because he didn't think about your situation and only thought about his side.
So from what I've heard from you so far Arden, I think I can assess your dad's situation.
You dad's situation/point of view:
1. I (your dad) provide for you so you must show me respect.
2. My son is not turning out the way I want so I'm getting angry (He probably doesn't look too favorably with you playing games alot, and this in turn fuels the cycle)
3. Old school Philippino family structure is colliding with the American type of mutual respect on an equal footing.
4. He is stressed that he can't, or isn't making enough to adequately support his family and this touches on his pride.
5. Your mom takes your side frequently and discreetly but he senses this and he feels cornered and therefore desperately tries to assert his dominance as the man of the house, most of the times in the form of harsh language and attitude.
6. Language barrier? (kinda unsure here, but he feels he cant properly communicate with you since u use english, although you can understand him adequately.
7. Not enough family time, and since the family doesn't spend much time TOGETHER, actually physically together, he doesn't appreciate their presence and personality.
8. Your dad has a spending problem which stems from his unintended isolation from you and your mom and his earnings, and the spending problem is also a form of self expression (he's crying out for you guys to pay attention to him and approve him somewhat) but this is being misunderstood.
9. Since you are an only child he feels protective but naturally he wants you to go his way and become a person fitting to his ideals and that is not happening because you are you.
10. Your mom may having some problems with him (again, unsure here too, I'm limited;;;) and this maybe rubbing off as violence towards you, who is the youngest and a person he feels easy to knock over.
This is the best I could do from what I've heard so far from you and by reading your blog posts. I'm not trying to defend him and what he's doing is wrong but Arden you are a Communications major and I hope you understand what is going on here. It's not just blind hatred there is a reason behind his irrationality and you, being smarter than him, can and should understand that and work towards solving this issue and constructing an healthy family environment.
I really wish your family would be something that you'd look forward to after school and that you'd be super comfortable in. I'll pray for you hope this analysis helps!
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