A cool sounding word... instability. But what does instability mean?
Main Entry: in·sta·bil·i·ty
Pronunciation: \ˌin(t)-stə-ˈbi-lə-tē\
Function: noun
Date: 15th century
: the quality or state of being unstable ; especially : lack of emotional or mental stability
That's how I feel right now. A lack of emotional and mental stability.
Here's how it's going to work. There's going to be a Rant pt. 1, then a WoW Rant which you may read if you'd like, then Rant pt. 2. If you read all of it, I can proudly say you care about me... and I owe you a favor... no money favors though. I'm a poor college kid.
*WARNING!* *WARNING!* -MAJOR RANT INCOMING!- *WARNING!* *WARNING!*
School is getting worse. Tests every single class, lots of work, project on Wednesday, and no motivation whatsoever on what I want to do. I think about it, and I feel like I'm too... dependent on people for my work and for my success, like I feel very collectivistic. Yet, I tell some people it's better to do it yourself, or solve your own shit, don't ask me for help, yet I can't help but be a hypocrite.
...Maybe Japanese isn't really for me. I love the language and I love the culture, and I can understand much more than I used to, but is it really for me? I feel like I try really hard, much to people's beliefs (yes, you'll laugh, I know you would -_-)
but I'm not getting any progress whatsoever on my work. Like I still don't know some vocabulary from chapters back, and I don't remember some of the symbols from Katakana or even some Hiragana. I feel very inadequate to continue this class, because so far by my grades in Japanese, it's gonna go downhill. I thank those people who try to help me, but really... I don't think I can be saved anymore.
I feel rather bitchy and emo about every single thing in my life. Maybe it's where I am right now? I hate being at home with my parents who nag me about sleeping, and brushing my teeth when I full well know when to do it, then they put me down and say I'm not good enough, or I'm too irresponsible, or anything. I really hate how they raise up a kid. I don't think you're supposed to put someone down and just pretend like it's okay. It's like a family full of bullshit, elusively insulting and not supporting them. They tell me, it's okay, you can talk to us, but it's hard to when they judge you immediately and not listen to you at all.
So I was talking with Jing about how much I'm really struggling and how I can try to fix it. She tells me that it's freshman year, and that I still have alot of ground to cover before I can graduate, but I don't want that small mistake to ruin the rest of my college career. I want to be able to succeed in everything but I can't. And it made me cry. Literally, on the phone with her.
-----WARNING-----WARNING-----WORLD OF WARCRAFT RANT-----WARNING-----WARNING-----
I feel like I'm too slow in leveling my any of my characters. I have alot of fun playing them, yet I feel like I'm too slow. A guy from work tells me to just have fun and take it easy, yet I don't like how slow I'm going, I want to go faster so I can experience everything I can before I get left in the dust. I also want to level up a druid and I think I'm getting there, but with life stuff coming in, I feel like I just wasted buying a new account on Black Friday. But I really want to level it, it's really fun so far, having shitty gear and being almost lvl 20 already. But what am I going to do once that happens? I ALSO WANT MY PRIEST AND PALLY TO BE LVL 80 SO I CAN DO RAIDS WITH THEM! IT'LL BE SO MUCH FUN BUT IT'S GOING SOOOOO SLOOOWWWW...
I WANNA GO FASTER!!!
-----ALERT-----ALERT-----WORLD OF WARCRAFT RANT END. CONTINUING NORMAL RANT-----ALERT-----ALERT
...What can I do to change myself? Like seriously... I feel unappreciated for things I do for people; I don't get a simple thanks from them (key word before you accuse yourself, 'SOME'). I feel like I'm STILL not noticed. I feel like I'm not awesome, or cool at all, because I play a stupid fucking game that I enjoy playing. What? Am I supposed to give up a part of my life that's always been there just to be socially accepted? Jing tells me I am awesome because of what I do, and who I am... but I feel like I'm not much of anything... I really want my haircut, it's getting too long. I need to workout more... yet I hate working out alone. Wish I could change my facial structure so I could be considered cute. I'm definitely not happy with myself and I want to change. Drastically. For the better. But how can I without giving up what I enjoy and like doing...
I really need to stay focused... and I really need more money, but I need to get paid more, or find a new job to work... But I suck at finding jobs I want to work at... because anywhere I WANT to work has a really bad pay. And wherever I hate to work has the best pay available. It's a balancing act... isn't it? I really want to be different from what I am now... I want to have a different aspect of life, I want to be somewhere else new. Toronto, Houston, New York, Hawaii, California, Europe, Japan are a few of the places I would want to visit, be in for a while...
*-*-*-*End Rant*-*-*-*
Now... my question is... what do I want to do eventually... in life?
Tests until mid December... My eyes are seeing double, and I have no glasses on, and sitting in front of the computer screen. It is a mix of tired feeling and tears.
Where do I go from here?
Instability.
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2 comments:
You know, I have most of the same shit going on as you: tests, shitloads of work, projects, and lack of motivation. And I'm a hypocrite as well with the people helping me but me telling people to do their own shit. Struggling is a nice word to describe how I'm trying to get on with life.
But you know, I think this is something you gotta get out of yourself. It's usually the mindset you're putting yourself in. I have moments when I just feel like breaking down and emo and bitchy about everything in the world, but you just gotta learn to just let it go.
Break down. Cry. Don't bottle everything up 'cause that really doesn't help and will just continue to build on your stress. Personally, it feels better to just scream and shout and throw your tantrums once in a while, then just move on.
And I just gotta say, no one can succeed in everything so don't put so much pressure on yourself. I remember back in freshmen year I thought... "Oh I'm getting A's! I think I'll keep this up for the rest of the years" but you know that doesn't happen. And I've learned to accept it. As long as I've tried my best, and as long as you've tried your best, I think that's enough.
Finally, in regards of wanting to be someone different... I'm sure everyone has had a point in their life when they want to be someone else. But you just gotta learn to accept who you are. Cheesy as it may sound (as this whole reply sounds), you gotta learn to love yourself before others will learn to accept you for who you are. No one will accept someone without confidence in themselves as an individual.
And I don't know what you want to do in life. I don't even know what I personally want to do in life. It's something you gotta find out for yourself. And no one ever said you had to decide and stick with it forever.
Sorry for the long reply. And I know all this sounds hard to do, but no one ever said you have to get it all done in a day. Believe me, it's possible. I've gotten myself out of similar slumps over and over again for these past few years and trust me, my workload is probably often equivalent to yours right now if not more.
Hope you feel better.
Arden~ its your buddy Isaac!! You do a good job of hiding your feelings because I haven't noticed a thing with you!!! Are you really that depressed? Let your buddy say a few words about it.
First of all, I think you're great Arden. Real top notch, nothing wrong with you at all, a great kid to hang around with, and I couldn't ask for a better friend in the world. Having said that, I think alot of these problems that you're having you dont really deserve, but the origin of these problems are infact yourself, and you are giving yourself these troubles. I'm not saying that you are being whiny and being an idiot, but alot of these problems which are getting you depressed can be solved with a simple change in your own views about yourself.
You're attitude and self-evaluation is generally negative. The reason being that you judge primarily from the initial results and situations. You view your current standings: playing WOW, being physically unfit(in your view;; ofcourse), receiving unsatisfactory grades, and feeling that you are not receiving the attention you deserve. These are INITIAL things, which can be fixed, and the primary thing to do is to LAY OFF these problems (or so dubbed "problems") and just ACCEPT them. Sorry Arden, reality may not look pretty but accepting them will get you through it. Your view of yourself must change from "I got wayy too much problems" to "I am a person who can improve immensely." You heard what sensei said in class right? She said: "YOU HAVE IMPROVED." I see you improve every day, and you can easily get through this if you have the will. If there's a will, there's a way.
WOW: This is who you are. You need to accept this, because infact you love playing WOW/games and there's nothing wrong with this, no matter what other people say. You find comfort in it, you enjoy it, and if you feel like you belong to it then this is an area where you dont even have to worry about. You must shape the world according to you, not let you be shaped according to the world. This is who you are. Be proud of that ^^
Grades: Especially in Japanese, I think this problem could be fixed if you just invest alittle more time in it. Dont give up because of this initial result, and dont give up until you've given it your all. You can make Japanese right for you if you invest more time into it. But you have to be more serious about it, because since it is a new language, you must go over it almost every day, and twice what you're doing right now because it will not soak in if you dont. We'll study together, but at home you have to invest your own time into this and really understand it. Dont make Japanese into something that you just take to fulfill your gen ed requirement, and make it your priority~! You will start to see results immediately I guarantee that.
Physical: maybe that whole 1 hour thing isnt really working out, and if you want another person to work out with, I can totally do that with you after class whenever we're free because I need to start working out again anyways.
Attention: If you're family isnt realy working out then well there's no helping it, and you have to make the best of it I guess. I think what you need to do is to sit down and have a REAL serious talk with them. I know you've tried, and they always let you down, but this time make them understand. I recommend making a list of your complaints (like when your giving a speech) and write down your support for them, call a family meeting (they'll take you seriously if you do this) and really explain to them that the way they are treating you, and the way you want to be treated, must change and that they have to respect that. Explain carefully and give examples of what they're doing to you and explain why you dont like what they do. A serious talk in a heavy air might perhaps finally make your parents take you on seriously.
As for attention among friends, hmm... we'll try to pay more attention to you I think~ just tell us what to do on this one lol
Overall, your negative view could do better for you if it changed into optimism and a sense of opportunity. I think you are at a place where you can really improve yourself by getting through this situation wisely. Also, with so much tests and the work load I think this is increasing your depression and when winter break starts you'll definately feel much better, so try to hold on till then. We're here to help you so come to us if you got troubles!
I hope this helps, or atleast have soothed your mind... Be strong my friend.. be strong.
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